Top (Bottom?) 10 Singles I Hate From Artists I Love

What the heck - I haven't done a list for a while. I was listening to my iPod the other day (I do full albums, and I don't shuffle) and a song so cringeworthy came on that I almost broke my hand trying to skip to the next song. It got me wondering: how can a band so awesome not only put out such crap as this, but actually release it as a single so as to inflict it upon the radio-listening public? So without further adieu...

Top (Bottom?) 10 Singles I Hate From Artists I Love

10. Led Zeppelin, "Candy Store Rock". From the album Presence. There weren't a lot of Led Zep songs released as singles (AOR stations usually played whatever they felt like from the album tracks) but this was an exceptionally odd choice, given that "Nobody's Fault But Mine" was an acceptable length for airplay ("Achilles' Last Stand" and "Tea For One" were too long) and directly before it on the same album.

9. The Who, "Don't Let Go The Coat". From the album Face Dances. The Who kind of jumped the shark after the death of Keith Moon. There were still flashes of brilliance - "You Better You Bet" and "Eminence Front" - on the two albums that followed. "Another Tricky Day" would have been a much better choice.

8. Metallica, "Frantic". From the album St. Anger. Given that I pretty much detest the entire album, this is not a huge shock.

7. Pink Floyd, "Not Now John". From the album The Final Cut. See #8.

6. Rush, “Virtuality”. From the album Test For Echo. Net boy, net girl? Gahhhh… Not the first song they have ruined with a lousy chorus, but sheesh. I guess it could have been worse – they could have released "Dog Years” instead.

5. Iron Maiden, “The Angel And The Gambler”. From the album Virtual XI. Never mind that Blaze Bailey was probably the worst possible replacement for Bruce Dickinson – seriously, who picks a new singer that can’t handle 2/3 of the band’s back catalogue? – but the album track repeats the refrain “Don’t you think I’m a savior; don’t you think I can save you; don’t you think I can save your life” XXII times! That’s two complete (virtual) football teams! The radio edit cuts out some of the excess (from 9:53) to make it marginally more listenable, but still…

4. Queen, “Body Language”. From the album Hot Space. I could have picked the excreble “Back Chat” (also a single) in its place, but coming off the brilliance that was The Game, the first single (and the horrible video that promoted it) was such a slap in the face to the Queen fanbase that it took years to salvage their reputation.

3. Kansas, “People Of The South Wind”. From the album Monolith. The song that inspired this list. Walsh, Livgren, and the boys channel their inner Village People. Yes, I know it’s about the Kanza tribe that gave the state (and the band) its name. But violins do not belong in a disco song, and disco songs do not belong on a Kansas album! And for God’s sake, don’t put it out as a single (which thankfully bombed) when the gorgeous “On The Other Side” is available.

2. Genesis, “Invisible Touch”. From the album of the same name. Yes, I know it’s their only #1 song. I still hate it. It’s the epitome of pop excess, and the wholesale rejection of the prog roots they came from when Peter Gabriel and Steve Hackett were part of the band.

Last, and least…

1. Elton John, “Candle In The Wind 1997”. #1 best selling single of all time. Words cannot possibly describe how much this song pisses me off. Sir Elton mangled his own beautiful tribute to Marilyn Monroe to rededicate it to the awful Princess Diana – the ‘80s version of Kim Kardashian, minus the added benefit of a sex tape. No, she did not deserve the media hounding she received, but neither did the simpering twit deserve the media adoration she got for marrying the (ostensibly) future King of England (who is actually a more decent guy than portrayed) and popping out a couple kids. Thankfully, EJ has placed a moratorium on performing the Diana version of Candle in concert.

Every Day I Thank God For You

The potatoes are thin, the turkey is dry

And I'm not wild about pumpkin pie

The cranberry sauce should have stayed in the can

And half of the stuffing's still stuck to the pan

Your aunt is ashamed that your uncle is drunk

And on the way here they ran over a skunk

And everyone thinks that our neighbor's a bore

But that doesn't change what I'm thankful for

After all is said and done

It's the perfect holiday

All the times we spend together

Blow the others all away

We have suffered so much heartache

But we pulled each other through

Every day I thank God for you

The stockings are hung by the chimney with care

They look a bit tattered and starting to tear

The eggnog is spiked, with what I can't tell

And the potpourri basket's beginning to smell

The ham is cold and the beer is warm

The yule log set off the smoke alarm

The hour is late but nobody will go

'Cause mom is perched under the mistletoe

All the Halloween parties

With coke and Bacardi

Barbeques on the 4th of July

Oh I hate entertaining

But I'm not complaining

And you are the reason why

I Will Wait For You

Sitting alone in a crowded room

Wondering if the time will come

Are you really going to be mine soon

Or is it over before it's begun

I don't know what to think

I don't know what to do

I don't know what I've gotten myself into

The only thing that I know

I'm in love with you

And so I promise you this

I will wait for you

If it takes a hundred years

I will wait for you

If it leaves me stranded in tears

There is no one else

In the whole wide world

That can make me feel like you do

I don't have a choice

I will wait for you

Maybe I'm making a big mistake

By giving a sense of security

And saying no matter how long it takes

There's no need to worry 'bout losing me

Take as long as you want

I'm not going nowhere

My heart will be always in your care

I don't know how to say

Any clearer than this

You're the only one for me

Honey please don't make me wait too long

Please don't make me wait until I'm dead and gone

I know we'll be together in the next life to come

But I want to live in this life too

What The Heart Wants

There's just so many times
You can tell yourself the lie
You can try to pretend
But the truth you can't deny
There's a fire burning in your soul
It's so hard to keep it in control
Is it finally time to give us a try

The heart wants what the heart wants
And it's never satisfied
'Til the heart gets what the heart wants
To fill the emptiness inside
It's the love that we share
And there's nothing can compare
Girl you know it's true
That what my heart wants is you

When I first met you girl
My heart began to sing
I found what I've been looking for
Through years of wandering
Just think of how our lives can be
If you take a leap of faith in me
And you find a love surpassing everything

Eventually you have to take the opportunity
To surrender to the promise of a life for you and me
'Cause together we're much greater than apart we'll ever be
So let's stay that way for all eternity